Prince of Everything Annoying
by Tin-Rin
Summary: Karkat finds Dave bleeding out on his doorstep, he doesnt learn that this particular Dave is the prince of Skia, a country they are curently knee deep in a cold war with, until a bit later.


Karkat: Find a dead body.

" What the fuck."

Karkat stood at the base of the dull grey steps leading to his house, umbrella in one hand, bag of groceries in the other, and a soaking wet ( possibly dead ) boy bleeding out by his feet.

" Oh. Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck." He was dead wasn't he, god no Karkat isn't going to survive another investigation, he barely kept his head last time and- the boy currently staining the concrete red shifted a little, okay not dead. Great! Being caught up in a murder investigation when you're in the same very particular circumstances as Karkat just once is plenty risky, twice and he would have to believe he had angered whatever deity is running his fucked up comedy of a life beyond any hope of forgiveness.

The blonde raised his head weakly, meeting Karkat's gaze with half lidded eyes for what felt like eternity tied to two horses and stretched apart in hell for another, even longer eternity, a punishment for it's unforgivable crimes against all that is good- and oh my god the guy is trying to move.

" What the goddamned fuck hell your organs are going to fall out! stop-" Karkat moved to press the other back down, he had seen enough movies to know that moving around with a slice taken out of your belly is most definitely bad. Not a good thing to dance with, you'll probably die. Trip on your own small intestine and bleed out while thinking ' oh god why did I do that? Dancing was never worth such a incredibly agonizing death' like some strange character from a shakespearean parody.

" you have to keep pressure on fucking stab wounds, are you a moron?! Are you mentally deficient? Everyone knows that! Fucking toddlers know that, HEY I SAID STOP MOVING YOU CULLBAIT PILE OF RANCID FLESH YOU WILL FUCKING DIE! DON'T FUCKING MOVE IS THAT SO HARD? Just wait here I'll call for help and-"

" Don't... don't call them….they'll report...guards..." Oh he can still talk, that's probably good then. Or is it bad that he's using up the last of his energy? Karkat doesn't know. He's not a doctor.

He was so close to just ignoring the request and calling anyway, but the boy looked so scared when he mentioned the guards. That expression sent a thousand and four memories zapping through Karkat's brain at once. But his stomach felt like it might eat itself when he looked down at the blood and back to the blond.

" Fine, okay. No trained professionals. Got it." Karkat pulled some sticky torn fabric from the wound on the now, once again unconscious boy. Not as bad as it had initially looked, more of a slice through muscle than a stab into organ, but definitely miles away from pleasant, and quite easily fatal if left to leak for too much longer.

Karkat collected the injured boy in his arms, focusing mostly on keeping all of the precious red oxygen liquid he could inside of its body, but also partially on ranting.

" Well I have no fucking idea what to do, but whatever! It's not like anything could ever be fucking simple! Go grocrie shoping on a fucking tuseday? By far the most normal-ish mind numbingly boring day of the week? Here's a guy dying on your doorstep blood every-fukin-where who aparently has it bad with the cops! WHAT A TREAT! CAN'T WAIT TILL FRIDAY, MABEY A VULTURE WILL SPONTANEOUSLY DECIDE TO FLY INTO MY WINDOW AND EAT MY EYES OUT!" The blonde in his arms began to slip a little, but Karkat quickly caught him and repositioned him into a more stable position. Ok no more ranting. Focus on the dying guy.

Karkat spent the rest of the knight scrubbing away blood in the rain, and watching over the stranger in his bed.

Karkat: Sit and wait. The boy currently lying in the soft, once white cushions ( now stained with splotches of crimson and pink ) hadn't moved since the incident last night. Karkat sat at the foot of the bed, dark circles even darker than usual, and one sickle in hand. He sat upright and tense, just incase the stranger happened to actually be some super powerful sorcerer who enjoyed buturing people,lighting them on fire, drinking blood, ect.

Said bedridden sorcerer groaned as he woke, opening one ( red??) eye, and then the other.

" Hey." He croaked out attempting to sit up but quickly deciding against it. His eyes drifted to Karkat, looking him up and down and stopping to stare at his hand.

" So. uh. You gonna use that for something or is it like, a comfort thing."

Karkat followed his gaze to the sickle still clutched tightly in his (shaking?) fist, so tightly in fact that his knuckles were beginning to strain white.

" What? Oh." Karkat looked back at the boy in his bed and knit his brow together in concentration.

" I mean. I definitely will if you make me-"

Karkat was trying to feel threatening, but if he was being honest the ability to kill another living human person was not one he considered himself a master( or even slightly capable ) of, unlike most of his neighbors Karkat had in fact never killed anyone at all. A true outlier in the kingdom of Alternia, made of mostly warriors and criminals. And if the blonde's (almost unnoticeable) smile was to be trusted, the vulnerability was currently painted clearly over Karkat's face.

" Well, considering the facts at our disposal, one being that I'm pretty sure these are the worst stitches I've ever gotten in my entire life, so the possibility of my organs falling out is about four hundred and thirteen percent too high for me to risk it on jumping around trying to murder you-"

" Hey fuckface I'm the one who wanted to call an actual hospital,do you think every random citizen of hell's ville, Alternia has a fucking medical license? If anything they're fucking brilliant life saving stitches performed by pure fucking beautiful miracle hands with no prior medical experience that happened to keep your organs in just fine which is the reason by the way, that you're not currently being eaten by vultures on the sidewalk-"

" Secondly, i'm not some psycho killer so let that god sent knowledge put your frightened maiden heart at ease. Did you even sleep? Your face looks like shit."

Karkat snarled, and did something very similar to what a growl would be if humans actually growled. This fucking guy. The fucking nerve! Karkat granted him the mercy of life and he had to go and be a pompous asshole. How dare he.

" Yeah and I'm sure every other sad little organism in the world manages the sweet fucking sleep of angle babies after finding a stranger bleeding out on their doorstep! Just go ahead and take a little trip to unconscious land for a solid eight hours while someone who refused to go to the hospital for a fucking stab wound because they were running from the cops lies in your bed! Not to mention MOTHER FUCKING MAGIC?"

The boy in Karkat's bed glanced around the room, seemingly looking for something, but Karkat was too busy delivering his eloquent, and absolutely devastating rant (on how amazingly stupid the stranger was) to ask him what he needed.

" You know that thing that can turn a literal shiting toddler into a weapon of mass destruction? Yeah lets trust the fugitive when we have literally know idea how strong they are or why they're afraid of the cops!"

" What fucking infallible logic! How did I not think of it? Oh yeah, because while I may be the most worthless excuse for a human being on this side of the planet,I am not an entire dumbass!"

Karkat was seathing, gesturing wildly with his hands to emphasise every point appropriately, sickle laying discarded by his chair despite his entire argument centering around not trusting the other. The other gave up looking for whatever it was and turned back, facing (his merciful savior) Karkat but not really meeting his gaze.

" Sheesh. Watch your blood pressure, running around stressing over lil' ol' me, but the real killer is a stroke. Is that how strokes work? I dont know I'm not a doctor, but actually that would be pretty fucking hilarious if you weren't a real person who can actually die from that."

" Whatever! I guess you probably won't kill me then! Unless you get your kicks from mindlessly taunting your victims before their deaths, if so A plus, good fucking work! I already loathe you! Glad that's settled!" Karkat threw his hands into the air, the universal sign of " Okay! I'm done!"and fell back in his seat with so little grace, he almost fell back out.

The blond raised his eyebrows, apparently he had plenty of energy to talk, which was good for his health but absolutely detrimental to Karkat's

" You good now? Jets coold? Tits calm? Hands and feet planted firmly on the handle and no longer swaying dangerously over its edge, wings poised for take off?" Karkat sneered in response but didn't say anything to the contrary. He was really starting to hate the other's monotone voice. Not so much that it was an unpleasant sound, but in the way that it kept saying fucking dumb shit.

" Finally, we can begin our epic not-really-friends to lovers bromance, it's gonna be beautiful bud. I can see it now. By the time this shit is done we're gonna be having sloppy love makeouts in front of a sunset, hot and steamy at twilight. This wouldn't happen to be your only bed would it? That would be fucking hilarious. My name's Dave by the way, just so you know what to get tattooed onto your collar bone for our one year anniversary-"

" OH MY GOD, I'm fucking done. I hope my miracle stitches break and there's no one to around fix it because! Guess what! I'm leaving!"

" But babe we haven't even had our first kiss yet, oh shit what if it was your first kiss that would be fucking hilarious-"

Karkat's face was candy red as he marched towards his room's door.

" I could have let you fucking die on the sidewalk and literally no one would hold it against me you know! People would be praising me for letting one more prick die off, it would leave the world a better place! But no! I had to be a bleeding heart fucking idiot and go and save the biggest dickhead to ever bring words into existence!"

" Talking about dicks already? Gee, I didn't know this was that kind of story, but i'm down. My safe word is " Rumpus", hope you don't want me to call you daddy 'cuz I wont-"

"SHUT UP!"

And with that last bit of eloquent banter Karkat slammed the door to his own room and left to seethe in sweet sweet silence.

Dave: Reminisce.

After the door slammed behind the angry dude, Dave smiled to himself. This was definitely the best choice. He had to admit, getting stabbed while running from your magical imperial kidnappers hurt like a mother fucker, and crawling around for hours, pausing and rewinding time over and over and over again to avoid a bloody death at the hands of multiple shity Alternians, sucked hairy balls. But at least he's not dead thanks to…

Dave now realizes he probably should have asked that guy for his name ( or at least something to eat ) before antagonizing him right out of the room. Honestly he hadn't meant to have the joke go that far, but the guy's reactions were just too good, he was practically begging to be made fun of. He was just that type of guy, with that type of face, and that kind of personality.

But he did leave the light on when he left, that sucked considering Dave couldn't find his shades (of course his kidnappers wouldn't think to grab them huh ) and his eyes were seriously starting to sting.

Maybe if he just….

No future Dave came to switch the light off.

That could mean one of three things. One, turning that switch somehow resulted in a fucked up future of some kind. Two, future Dave just decided it wasn't that important or forgot completely ( well fuck him in that case.) and three, There wasn't a time in the future where Dave had healed enough to use his magic.

Well technically there were infinite possibilities, but those where just variations of the main three, or way to stupid to be counted for real.

Now Dave was getting a bit paranoid. Okay time to get careful, mess up and he's either doomed, or dead. ( he could live with being an ass but he liked to think he was a pretty cool dude, who wouldn't leave his past self in a stranger's house with stinging eyes) There was only one timeline where things would play out, now Dave just had to figure out what he needed to do to get there.

karkat: calm down

Ok,ok. He's calm. Well he wasn't that much more upset than normal in the first place but now he was back at ground level, rather than flying through the air, miles above the handle yelling at birds of or something; and now that he was calm he could finally think about what to do next.

Here's what he knows,

One: guy doesn't like the cops, but in alternia who does? Besides queen bitch of course.

Two: he's got red eyes, wired but not helpful

Three: he's a snarky dick, but not violent ( probably)

And four: actually that's it. There is no four. His name is Dave but that could be made up, Karkat didn't know why he was scared of the guards, or how he got stabbed in the first place, very important things to know when aiding a ( probably) criminal.

Karkat could just walk back in there and ask, but well that would be a little awkward considering he slammed the door like two seconds ago, and Karkat can't let the guy know he's a social mess of a person on the first day. He has some pride goddamnit.

So instead Karkat started cooking breakfast, an idea that was surprisingly tactful, considering he was usually very stupid.

Maid: realize

Dave wasn't in his bed. Ok that was a normal thing. He often had trouble sleeping and would just wander off, but something was off.

His shades. They sat untouched on his corner table. No way he would ever just up and go without them. That left one reasonable line of action for her.

Sound the castle alarm. The young prince is missing.

Karkat: serve breakfast

Karkat had made pancakes and eggs, because he knew how to make both of those things, and he had the ingredients ( which where instant pancake mix and three eggs ). The yolk was a little hard on one of the eggs, but whatever, some people like it that way.

When he opened his door, Dave had pulled the covers over his face, and looked more like a blanket tumor than a person shape.

" …are you asleep?" He better not be, Karkat put effort into this breakfast, and someone was going to eat it.

"nope"

" well come out here then. I made breakfast."

The blankets stirred at the mention of food but didn't come down.

" …. turn the light off first. "

The light?What? Why? What could he possibly gain from Karkat turning off the light? Was it a trap? Maybe he had some wired magic that only worked in the cover of darkness and-

" eyes. " Dave said, and Karkat remembered their peculiar color- oh

"Oh"

" sure I'll get that."

Karkat flicked off the switch and watched the boy emerge from the fluffy nest that he had wrapped around himself.

Karkat handed him the food silently ( surprising himself with how long he'd gone without talking, almost 15 minutes now) and they sat quietly.

Dave was the one to break the silence.

" you left before I had the chance to ask your name by the way,"

Karkat knew that. He still wasn't sure he wanted to give him his name though. He still didn't have any reason to trust this guy, and one false move could have him culled before the week was over.

" it's Karkat." Why did he say that? He wasn't planning on saying that. He didn't want to say that. Why the hell did that just happen? What in the goddamned cull pit did he say that for? Fucking hell, Karkat should have just held up a sign that said " please kill me" that would have at least gotten it over with quickly.

" huh, I didn't think you'd actually tell me," Neither did Karkat. "Are you sure you're alternian? That didn't seem like a very ' brooding war criminal' or ' psychopath killer' thing. Come to think of it helping me out in the first place didn't seem very evil-ish either. Especially not the wrapping my wounds and bringing me pancakes part" something changed in his face for a second and his thin line of a mouth became an almost smile. " I must be pretty lucky to end up at the doorstep of the only Softy in Alternia huh?"

Karkat wasn't sure if he should be insulted, because of course he wasn't a prickly infected asshole like literally all of his neighbors within a thirty mile radius, but on the other hand he was not a softy.

So he did the reasonable thing and through a hissy fit about it, because this is his house. He can through all the tantrums he wants in his own motherfucking house.

" Do yo really enjoy mocking your merciful savior that much!? Because I must be pretty unlucky to have gotten the most obnoxious creature in-"

" I'm from skia."

" in all of skia bleeding out at my doorstep!"

The information took a few seconds to process. Dave, from skia, blonde hair, red eyes, wanted by the alternian authority.

" holy shit."

" what"

" holy fucking shit your Dave Strider aren't you? Your the fucking prince of skia!?"

Karkat was definitely going to die for this, not only was he hiding a criminal, but an actually important one,maybe he should just turn the guy in and-

" oh. Yeah I guess"

Dave's still face had come back, but even through the careful mask Karkat could see a little fear seep out like water through a crack in a tiny row boat. Not enough to sink it but enough to be there and make Karkat very uncomfortable.

Karkat really was a softy, possibly the softest softy in alternia. Because there is no way he could turn This guy in. They'd kill him! Or something equally horrible and not good. Come to think of it there isn't much worse they could do to Karkat though, the sentence for aiding any criminal is already death, they can't kill him extra because the criminal he was helping is the prince of skia.

Three deep breaths and Karkat was ok, kinda. He wasn't visibly panicking anymore which is good, and he was thinking almost rationally.

" so you gonna turn me in now? Or kick me out or something?"

"...no I'm not." Karkat wasn't lying. He really wouldn't turn him in. He's a good-ish person who's smart enough to know they would kill him as soon as he cought their eye, for reasons unrelated to his this matter.

" cool." Dave was unreadable, not even a little trickle of fear, or distrust, or relief showed on his stoic face. That could be a good or bad thing. For the sake of karkat's sanity and not being late for work, he let it be a good thing.

"Uhg! just… stay here and don't move around too much. Ok?" Karkat didn't realize he was pulling out his hair until some of it came out in his hand.

" sir yes sir or whatever it is that pirates say." God Dave please just say normal things that don't make Karkat want to…. actually he didn't want to do much at all to Dave, which was weird because normally he'd be adgitated enough to through a fit at the least. It's probably because he's tiered. Not sleeping can really sap your energy.

Dave: Be a dumbass

What? No. Dave was being perfectly reasonable at the moment. Even though he was trying with all his might to pull himself out of Karkat's bed without tearing open his stitches, even though he had nowhere to go once he managed this painful feat,and even though Karkat said he wouldn't turn him in.

Dave was being perfectly reasonable. Karkat would be executed if anyone found out he had helped Dave, unless he turned him in to the authorities. So Dave had to leave before they got here. See very reasonable, and almost accomplished!

He grit his teeth and pulled himself slowly twards the edge of the bed that now seemed a lot bigger than the twin sized mattress it was. only two more inches. You got this. God was he bleeding again? How long had he been going at this even, an hour, two? Oh wow that bump hurt, where those black spots or-

Dave woke up to the sound of the door slamming shut, and someone yelling something.

Oh.

" hey Karkat."

" WHAT THE FUCK DAVE!? I told you not to move! What the god hell fuck there's blood everywhere!"

" you didn't turn me in?"

" NO! I told you I wouldn't you fucking moron!" Karkat ran out of the room and came back with bandedges and towels. So apparently Karkat is a better dude than Dave gave him credit for, and Dave is In fact, a dumbass. Huh.

" Dave don't you dare fall asleep right now, I have no idea how to hide a dead body and you're not going to make me figure out now!"

Welp sorry Karkat, but Dave is very very sleepy. Probably the blood loss.


End file.
